So I have decided to use this "blog" for me more than anything else & if even one mother stubbles onto & finds that she is not alone in the craziness of motherhood & marriage...the TWO BIG M's...then I have done good.
It's such a balancing act. When I am not with my children I feel guilty. I feel like I should be with them nearly every waking hour, even though my rational brain knows that I need to get some "me-time". If I don't get this time I will go crazier...not crazy, but crazier. As I have come to believe whole heartedly that anyone who chooses motherhood has to be a little on the crazy side. Think about it ---- with motherhood comes: no sleep, no privacy, no alone time, no thank yous, it NEVER ends, no breaks, it takes lots of money, lots of patience, it's no longer ok to be selfish, you have to do everything for them first before you, etc. etc. etc.
But, then you look at your children when they are happy, when they smile, when they laugh, when they are playing, when they sleep, --- all you have to do is LOOK at them & that's it...we're gone. All the above is nothing. As without them we would be nothing. I don't want to EVER go back to my single days, without kids. I like the noise, the chaos, the fact that they need me, really need me, & I want MORE of it. Hopefully I will be blessed with another little trouble maker, it fills my soul.
But, don't get me wrong I wouldn't mind MORE SLEEP. THis is the one thing I really wish I could have from the old days,,,pre-family! LOL, but it won't happen, cause even when they are teens then adults I will be waiting up to make sure I hear them come in safely from being out, or when they are adults I will wait for the call to know they are home safe. I don't think any parent will EVER sleep like they once did. Oh well.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Feeling down - do I share it with my hubby?
Ok, have you ever had one of those days --- of course you have, let me re-phrase. I am having one of those weekends when I am a bit low. I feel as though there is a flood of problems --- the house is a mess, the baby isn't sleeping, there's never enough money, my husband's annoying me...& it goes on.
You know I have had moments like this, but this one was just a bit harder this time. We are moving in about 3 weeks, so I know this has to be the reason I am feeling this way. Just not sure if I should talk to my husband about it or not. I know that I can tell him anything & I typically do, but lately he's been going through some things at work & so I don't want to cause more weight on his back.
So, the question is to tell or not to tell? Ahhh Shakespeare, he'd never know how he's words would come to be used so easily on almost every instance of life. It's a juggling act -- this thing called marriage. One minute you are blissful, the next stressful, the next annoyed.
What doesn't help is that I am loosing hair like you wouldn't believe. Gosh, no one tells you about some of the hiccups that come with children & marriage. It's a secret? Why don't women share this with one another? So, I did not have this problem, at least not to this extent, with my first child. I lost some hair, as is natural -- I mean my body just went through a major change. I was for 9 months pregnant with raging hormones & then suddenly I wasn't. So, I lost some hair, but this time I am loosing hair like crazy! It's everywhere. My daughter has it all over her, I find it all over my hands, in the bed, on the floor, you name it. I looked it up & found that MANY women go through the same thing and it can last for 6 MONTHS!!
WHY! Why do we have to endure so much? Stupid question I know, but I can't help but ask it now & again. I look at her & I say --- I would do it again & again for her. There's no question. I just can't believe that women are as amazing as we are. I don't mean to toot our own horns, but we are amazing. Men, you really need to realize. But, men you are pretty amazing too. My husband does so much...he really does. And he never seems to get too tired. Me on the other hand I am exhausted all the time.
Anyway back to the question. I am going to tell him. He makes me feel better, he always does. He's just amazing like that.
You know I have had moments like this, but this one was just a bit harder this time. We are moving in about 3 weeks, so I know this has to be the reason I am feeling this way. Just not sure if I should talk to my husband about it or not. I know that I can tell him anything & I typically do, but lately he's been going through some things at work & so I don't want to cause more weight on his back.
So, the question is to tell or not to tell? Ahhh Shakespeare, he'd never know how he's words would come to be used so easily on almost every instance of life. It's a juggling act -- this thing called marriage. One minute you are blissful, the next stressful, the next annoyed.
What doesn't help is that I am loosing hair like you wouldn't believe. Gosh, no one tells you about some of the hiccups that come with children & marriage. It's a secret? Why don't women share this with one another? So, I did not have this problem, at least not to this extent, with my first child. I lost some hair, as is natural -- I mean my body just went through a major change. I was for 9 months pregnant with raging hormones & then suddenly I wasn't. So, I lost some hair, but this time I am loosing hair like crazy! It's everywhere. My daughter has it all over her, I find it all over my hands, in the bed, on the floor, you name it. I looked it up & found that MANY women go through the same thing and it can last for 6 MONTHS!!
WHY! Why do we have to endure so much? Stupid question I know, but I can't help but ask it now & again. I look at her & I say --- I would do it again & again for her. There's no question. I just can't believe that women are as amazing as we are. I don't mean to toot our own horns, but we are amazing. Men, you really need to realize. But, men you are pretty amazing too. My husband does so much...he really does. And he never seems to get too tired. Me on the other hand I am exhausted all the time.
Anyway back to the question. I am going to tell him. He makes me feel better, he always does. He's just amazing like that.
What, where, who?
She's 4 months & still waking up at least 2-3 times a night. UGH! I'm doing something wrong. It has to be my fault, my baby is perfect, so it can't be her. Hmmm..it's her. Well, partly her. I can't believe it, here I am with baby #2 & I'm going through the same thing that I did with my first.
Honestly it was the lack of the sleep with baby #1 that made me wait another 9 years to have another one. My first was worse than my 2nd. My first woke every 1.5-2 hours until she was about 9 months....everyone thinks I exagerate about this, but ask my mom, she knows.
So, I have to regularly tell myself that it too shall pass. I have to tell myself this or else madness will be a permanent friend of mine. We are trying to have another one --- can you believe it? I can't even believe it. I guess it won't really hit me until I am actually pregnant. Some days, actually most days, I am excited at the prospect & other days, not too often, I think "what the hell are we doing, what the hell are we thinking!" There are a few bad words in this personal conversation, but I will spare you.
I'm 34 going on 35 --- not till 2011! But, it's still there...35...the big thirty five. It's such a scary number to me. I can't believe I am so far into my thirties. It's scary. I never thought of myself as old, & now the idea has come to me. I don't want to be into my mid to late thirties having a baby. I know --- there are many women who do it, but I just prefer not to. I wanted to be a young mother & I was. I was 25 when my baby was born, well 24 in December when she was born & 25 3 months later. It was still hard at 25, but as time went on it was so nice to grow up with my daughter. Now I do the numbers --- when Anahi is 10 I will be 44, when she's 14 I will be 48, etc. You get the idea. I liked it better when Alessandra turns 10 I will be 34. Ohh, I don't know what I am dribbling on about -- I think I am trying to justify having a baby when there are many reasons that we shouldn't, but I still want one.
I am terrified, I won't lie. I know it's going to MORE work with 3 kids versuses 2. I do like a challenge, but I just want to make sure that my marriage will survive. Actually, I want my marriage to do more than survive, I want us to thrive. This is my 2nd marriage --- I am older & wiser in this relationship. I was 22 when I first married --- I thought I knew it all & now I realize that I was just a little girl playing house. And I was always mature for my age, but still my heart was forming...I wasn't ready. This time I knew that I didn't want to be without him & I accepted all his faults & he mine --- not that we don't pick at those faults from time to time. We do. It's a hobby for us both, at times. But, having children can really challenge even the most stable of relationships.
Alessandra was the best thing to happen to my ex & I. She will always be our greatest accomplishment. But, we weren't ready to be parents together & be married. We had our problems & when a baby comes it is the ultimate test of any marriage. We failed, only in our relationship, but not as parents to our beautiful, amazing daughter. We were just better parenting separately.
This new marriage of mine, we have been challenged & we've had our fights, but we make up & we make love. I can't say that I wanted to do that when I had a 4 month old the first time. I am so passionate about my husband & he about me --- our fights are not so bad because we make up right away most of the times. It's nice to have him in my life --- he's a great father to his daughters. He considers his step-daughter his daughter as much as his biological daughter. Which makes me love him all the more.
I hope someone out there is getting the benefit of this wisdom...laughing in the dark as my little one sleeps, for now. More than anything I hope someone is at least semi amused by this blog.
Honestly it was the lack of the sleep with baby #1 that made me wait another 9 years to have another one. My first was worse than my 2nd. My first woke every 1.5-2 hours until she was about 9 months....everyone thinks I exagerate about this, but ask my mom, she knows.
So, I have to regularly tell myself that it too shall pass. I have to tell myself this or else madness will be a permanent friend of mine. We are trying to have another one --- can you believe it? I can't even believe it. I guess it won't really hit me until I am actually pregnant. Some days, actually most days, I am excited at the prospect & other days, not too often, I think "what the hell are we doing, what the hell are we thinking!" There are a few bad words in this personal conversation, but I will spare you.
I'm 34 going on 35 --- not till 2011! But, it's still there...35...the big thirty five. It's such a scary number to me. I can't believe I am so far into my thirties. It's scary. I never thought of myself as old, & now the idea has come to me. I don't want to be into my mid to late thirties having a baby. I know --- there are many women who do it, but I just prefer not to. I wanted to be a young mother & I was. I was 25 when my baby was born, well 24 in December when she was born & 25 3 months later. It was still hard at 25, but as time went on it was so nice to grow up with my daughter. Now I do the numbers --- when Anahi is 10 I will be 44, when she's 14 I will be 48, etc. You get the idea. I liked it better when Alessandra turns 10 I will be 34. Ohh, I don't know what I am dribbling on about -- I think I am trying to justify having a baby when there are many reasons that we shouldn't, but I still want one.
I am terrified, I won't lie. I know it's going to MORE work with 3 kids versuses 2. I do like a challenge, but I just want to make sure that my marriage will survive. Actually, I want my marriage to do more than survive, I want us to thrive. This is my 2nd marriage --- I am older & wiser in this relationship. I was 22 when I first married --- I thought I knew it all & now I realize that I was just a little girl playing house. And I was always mature for my age, but still my heart was forming...I wasn't ready. This time I knew that I didn't want to be without him & I accepted all his faults & he mine --- not that we don't pick at those faults from time to time. We do. It's a hobby for us both, at times. But, having children can really challenge even the most stable of relationships.
Alessandra was the best thing to happen to my ex & I. She will always be our greatest accomplishment. But, we weren't ready to be parents together & be married. We had our problems & when a baby comes it is the ultimate test of any marriage. We failed, only in our relationship, but not as parents to our beautiful, amazing daughter. We were just better parenting separately.
This new marriage of mine, we have been challenged & we've had our fights, but we make up & we make love. I can't say that I wanted to do that when I had a 4 month old the first time. I am so passionate about my husband & he about me --- our fights are not so bad because we make up right away most of the times. It's nice to have him in my life --- he's a great father to his daughters. He considers his step-daughter his daughter as much as his biological daughter. Which makes me love him all the more.
I hope someone out there is getting the benefit of this wisdom...laughing in the dark as my little one sleeps, for now. More than anything I hope someone is at least semi amused by this blog.
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