What, where, who?

She's 4 months & still waking up at least 2-3 times a night. UGH! I'm doing something wrong. It has to be my fault, my baby is perfect, so it can't be her. Hmmm..it's her. Well, partly her. I can't believe it, here I am with baby #2 & I'm going through the same thing that I did with my first.

Honestly it was the lack of the sleep with baby #1 that made me wait another 9 years to have another one. My first was worse than my 2nd. My first woke every 1.5-2 hours until she was about 9 months....everyone thinks I exagerate about this, but ask my mom, she knows.

So, I have to regularly tell myself that it too shall pass. I have to tell myself this or else madness will be a permanent friend of mine. We are trying to have another one --- can you believe it? I can't even believe it. I guess it won't really hit me until I am actually pregnant. Some days, actually most days, I am excited at the prospect & other days, not too often, I think "what the hell are we doing, what the hell are we thinking!" There are a few bad words in this personal conversation, but I will spare you.

I'm 34 going on 35 --- not till 2011! But, it's still there...35...the big thirty five. It's such a scary number to me. I can't believe I am so far into my thirties. It's scary. I never thought of myself as old, & now the idea has come to me. I don't want to be into my mid to late thirties having a baby. I know --- there are many women who do it, but I just prefer not to. I wanted to be a young mother & I was. I was 25 when my baby was born, well 24 in December when she was born & 25 3 months later. It was still hard at 25, but as time went on it was so nice to grow up with my daughter. Now I do the numbers --- when Anahi is 10 I will be 44, when she's 14 I will be 48, etc. You get the idea. I liked it better when Alessandra turns 10 I will be 34. Ohh, I don't know what I am dribbling on about -- I think I am trying to justify having a baby when there are many reasons that we shouldn't, but I still want one.

I am terrified, I won't lie. I know it's going to MORE work with 3 kids versuses 2. I do like a challenge, but I just want to make sure that my marriage will survive. Actually, I want my marriage to do more than survive, I want us to thrive. This is my 2nd marriage --- I am older & wiser in this relationship. I was 22 when I first married --- I thought I knew it all & now I realize that I was just a little girl playing house. And I was always mature for my age, but still my heart was forming...I wasn't ready. This time I knew that I didn't want to be without him & I accepted all his faults & he mine --- not that we don't pick at those faults from time to time. We do. It's a hobby for us both, at times. But, having children can really challenge even the most stable of relationships.

Alessandra was the best thing to happen to my ex & I. She will always be our greatest accomplishment. But, we weren't ready to be parents together & be married. We had our problems & when a baby comes it is the ultimate test of any marriage. We failed, only in our relationship, but not as parents to our beautiful, amazing daughter. We were just better parenting separately.

This new marriage of mine, we have been challenged & we've had our fights, but we make up & we make love. I can't say that I wanted to do that when I had a 4 month old the first time. I am so passionate about my husband & he about me --- our fights are not so bad because we make up right away most of the times. It's nice to have him in my life --- he's a great father to his daughters. He considers his step-daughter his daughter as much as his biological daughter. Which makes me love him all the more.

I hope someone out there is getting the benefit of this wisdom...laughing in the dark as my little one sleeps, for now. More than anything I hope someone is at least semi amused by this blog.

3rd child?

My period has not come, it's been several days, & yet I still have a negative on my PG test. WHAT@!? It's just so frustrating. I want this. I didn't realize, until I saw another negative PG test.

I know, I am crazy. I just had a daughter, who is healthy & amazing, & I am being selfish because I want another. Then on top of it I have a 9 year old, going on 20. She's so brilliant, she's deep, I mean DEEP. My little girl is a thinker! I feel blessed beyond all belief, but again I want MORE.

Is it selfish? I want a BIG family & I didn't realize it until now when I am almost mid 30's. Is it too late? I hope not. I want to wake up to a house full of noise --- the type of noise that I dream about is giggles, chuckling, pillow fights between siblings, my husband B-Q-ing in the back yard! I want to have little ones saying "momma, momma".

Here's where it gets challenging. I want all the above, but I also want a career. And then I just want to be a stay at home mom...AYYYE, OYE, VAY! One moment I want my career --- cause I want it all, a BIG family & the career. Then there are many days when I would love devoting time to just my family...stay home & care for my babies. I have tried both staying at home & the career & I don't know which makes me happier...it just depends which day you ask.

Its not fair sometimes to have so much on one's plate...but then again how the hell can I can complain? My problem is not a problem, it's just choices...choices!

Who am I - mother or careerwoman??

I have been trying to cope with the fact that I am going back to work in a few days. How did I do this the first time? I am so lost right now because I want to be two different women --- part of me wants to be that Superwoman: the one who works, who has children, who is in PTA, who has the household going & the workplace/career under control. And another part of me wants to just be a stay at home mom, who takes care of the home & children, where this is the primary work & there is no competition with a career.

A career is wonderful. I do enjoy it. I enjoy making my own money, setting up my own retirement, being able to have my own office with my name on the door, & the business card with a wonderful title - Professor.

I also like the idea of giving my girls all of me & my husband everything he needs & more.

But, don't I do all this now? I have the career, & I give everything to my girls & husband. So, then why does it feel like someone is being cheated? I don't know if I am cheating my family ---- or am I cheating myself?

It's easier for men. I know, I know --- we fought so hard for our liberation, but we didn't realize the cost. We thought the cost would be self sacrifice --- in that we would be paying by possibly going to jail, or having to work harder. These things did happen & we have had self sacrifice --- but not the way we thought. The self sacrifice is literal...we've had to sacrifice who we really want are, for who we really want to be. My whole life I have always wanted to be something BIG. And that meant college & a career. Literally, my whole life I have said I was going to be a strong woman with a voice. What I didn't realize would happen as I got older was that I started to change...& I have felt guilty for that change. I think I would really rather be the stay at home mom, but everyone around me, including myself, says that's wrong. I should be the career woman, I went to college & I am very smart, so shouldn't I be the career woman?

I have to hide what I really want because of the idea of what people think I really am. DOn't get me wrong --- a stay at home mom is the HARDEST JOB ever. It's harder than most can image. I did it for a year full time, & then I did it for a few more years working part time. And I pushed to go to work --- because I was at home, bored & unchallenged. And I was sure it was because of the career I was choosing --- motherhood. What I didn't realize until my 30's was that it was my fault that I was bored & unchallenged. I could have done so much more with that time I had with my daughter. Alessandra was truly amazing. And the time we spent together, I will never forget -- in fact, I long for it. I truly do.

Now that I long for that time I have Anahi, my second child, who is only now 3 months old. And the option has dwindled --- in so many ways it has dwindled.

Be careful --- be who you want to be, not who you think you are suppose to be. We fought for liberation, but we have just imprioned ourselves as women.