I have been trying to cope with the fact that I am going back to work in a few days. How did I do this the first time? I am so lost right now because I want to be two different women --- part of me wants to be that Superwoman: the one who works, who has children, who is in PTA, who has the household going & the workplace/career under control. And another part of me wants to just be a stay at home mom, who takes care of the home & children, where this is the primary work & there is no competition with a career.
A career is wonderful. I do enjoy it. I enjoy making my own money, setting up my own retirement, being able to have my own office with my name on the door, & the business card with a wonderful title - Professor.
I also like the idea of giving my girls all of me & my husband everything he needs & more.
But, don't I do all this now? I have the career, & I give everything to my girls & husband. So, then why does it feel like someone is being cheated? I don't know if I am cheating my family ---- or am I cheating myself?
It's easier for men. I know, I know --- we fought so hard for our liberation, but we didn't realize the cost. We thought the cost would be self sacrifice --- in that we would be paying by possibly going to jail, or having to work harder. These things did happen & we have had self sacrifice --- but not the way we thought. The self sacrifice is literal...we've had to sacrifice who we really want are, for who we really want to be. My whole life I have always wanted to be something BIG. And that meant college & a career. Literally, my whole life I have said I was going to be a strong woman with a voice. What I didn't realize would happen as I got older was that I started to change...& I have felt guilty for that change. I think I would really rather be the stay at home mom, but everyone around me, including myself, says that's wrong. I should be the career woman, I went to college & I am very smart, so shouldn't I be the career woman?
I have to hide what I really want because of the idea of what people think I really am. DOn't get me wrong --- a stay at home mom is the HARDEST JOB ever. It's harder than most can image. I did it for a year full time, & then I did it for a few more years working part time. And I pushed to go to work --- because I was at home, bored & unchallenged. And I was sure it was because of the career I was choosing --- motherhood. What I didn't realize until my 30's was that it was my fault that I was bored & unchallenged. I could have done so much more with that time I had with my daughter. Alessandra was truly amazing. And the time we spent together, I will never forget -- in fact, I long for it. I truly do.
Now that I long for that time I have Anahi, my second child, who is only now 3 months old. And the option has dwindled --- in so many ways it has dwindled.
Be careful --- be who you want to be, not who you think you are suppose to be. We fought for liberation, but we have just imprioned ourselves as women.
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