She's 4 months & still waking up at least 2-3 times a night. UGH! I'm doing something wrong. It has to be my fault, my baby is perfect, so it can't be her. Hmmm..it's her. Well, partly her. I can't believe it, here I am with baby #2 & I'm going through the same thing that I did with my first.
Honestly it was the lack of the sleep with baby #1 that made me wait another 9 years to have another one. My first was worse than my 2nd. My first woke every 1.5-2 hours until she was about 9 months....everyone thinks I exagerate about this, but ask my mom, she knows.
So, I have to regularly tell myself that it too shall pass. I have to tell myself this or else madness will be a permanent friend of mine. We are trying to have another one --- can you believe it? I can't even believe it. I guess it won't really hit me until I am actually pregnant. Some days, actually most days, I am excited at the prospect & other days, not too often, I think "what the hell are we doing, what the hell are we thinking!" There are a few bad words in this personal conversation, but I will spare you.
I'm 34 going on 35 --- not till 2011! But, it's still there...35...the big thirty five. It's such a scary number to me. I can't believe I am so far into my thirties. It's scary. I never thought of myself as old, & now the idea has come to me. I don't want to be into my mid to late thirties having a baby. I know --- there are many women who do it, but I just prefer not to. I wanted to be a young mother & I was. I was 25 when my baby was born, well 24 in December when she was born & 25 3 months later. It was still hard at 25, but as time went on it was so nice to grow up with my daughter. Now I do the numbers --- when Anahi is 10 I will be 44, when she's 14 I will be 48, etc. You get the idea. I liked it better when Alessandra turns 10 I will be 34. Ohh, I don't know what I am dribbling on about -- I think I am trying to justify having a baby when there are many reasons that we shouldn't, but I still want one.
I am terrified, I won't lie. I know it's going to MORE work with 3 kids versuses 2. I do like a challenge, but I just want to make sure that my marriage will survive. Actually, I want my marriage to do more than survive, I want us to thrive. This is my 2nd marriage --- I am older & wiser in this relationship. I was 22 when I first married --- I thought I knew it all & now I realize that I was just a little girl playing house. And I was always mature for my age, but still my heart was forming...I wasn't ready. This time I knew that I didn't want to be without him & I accepted all his faults & he mine --- not that we don't pick at those faults from time to time. We do. It's a hobby for us both, at times. But, having children can really challenge even the most stable of relationships.
Alessandra was the best thing to happen to my ex & I. She will always be our greatest accomplishment. But, we weren't ready to be parents together & be married. We had our problems & when a baby comes it is the ultimate test of any marriage. We failed, only in our relationship, but not as parents to our beautiful, amazing daughter. We were just better parenting separately.
This new marriage of mine, we have been challenged & we've had our fights, but we make up & we make love. I can't say that I wanted to do that when I had a 4 month old the first time. I am so passionate about my husband & he about me --- our fights are not so bad because we make up right away most of the times. It's nice to have him in my life --- he's a great father to his daughters. He considers his step-daughter his daughter as much as his biological daughter. Which makes me love him all the more.
I hope someone out there is getting the benefit of this wisdom...laughing in the dark as my little one sleeps, for now. More than anything I hope someone is at least semi amused by this blog.
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