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Monday, March 29, 2010

3rd child?

My period has not come, it's been several days, & yet I still have a negative on my PG test. WHAT@!? It's just so frustrating. I want this. I didn't realize, until I saw another negative PG test.

I know, I am crazy. I just had a daughter, who is healthy & amazing, & I am being selfish because I want another. Then on top of it I have a 9 year old, going on 20. She's so brilliant, she's deep, I mean DEEP. My little girl is a thinker! I feel blessed beyond all belief, but again I want MORE.

Is it selfish? I want a BIG family & I didn't realize it until now when I am almost mid 30's. Is it too late? I hope not. I want to wake up to a house full of noise --- the type of noise that I dream about is giggles, chuckling, pillow fights between siblings, my husband B-Q-ing in the back yard! I want to have little ones saying "momma, momma".

Here's where it gets challenging. I want all the above, but I also want a career. And then I just want to be a stay at home mom...AYYYE, OYE, VAY! One moment I want my career --- cause I want it all, a BIG family & the career. Then there are many days when I would love devoting time to just my family...stay home & care for my babies. I have tried both staying at home & the career & I don't know which makes me happier...it just depends which day you ask.

Its not fair sometimes to have so much on one's plate...but then again how the hell can I can complain? My problem is not a problem, it's just choices...choices!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Who am I - mother or careerwoman??

I have been trying to cope with the fact that I am going back to work in a few days. How did I do this the first time? I am so lost right now because I want to be two different women --- part of me wants to be that Superwoman: the one who works, who has children, who is in PTA, who has the household going & the workplace/career under control. And another part of me wants to just be a stay at home mom, who takes care of the home & children, where this is the primary work & there is no competition with a career.

A career is wonderful. I do enjoy it. I enjoy making my own money, setting up my own retirement, being able to have my own office with my name on the door, & the business card with a wonderful title - Professor.

I also like the idea of giving my girls all of me & my husband everything he needs & more.

But, don't I do all this now? I have the career, & I give everything to my girls & husband. So, then why does it feel like someone is being cheated? I don't know if I am cheating my family ---- or am I cheating myself?

It's easier for men. I know, I know --- we fought so hard for our liberation, but we didn't realize the cost. We thought the cost would be self sacrifice --- in that we would be paying by possibly going to jail, or having to work harder. These things did happen & we have had self sacrifice --- but not the way we thought. The self sacrifice is literal...we've had to sacrifice who we really want are, for who we really want to be. My whole life I have always wanted to be something BIG. And that meant college & a career. Literally, my whole life I have said I was going to be a strong woman with a voice. What I didn't realize would happen as I got older was that I started to change...& I have felt guilty for that change. I think I would really rather be the stay at home mom, but everyone around me, including myself, says that's wrong. I should be the career woman, I went to college & I am very smart, so shouldn't I be the career woman?

I have to hide what I really want because of the idea of what people think I really am. DOn't get me wrong --- a stay at home mom is the HARDEST JOB ever. It's harder than most can image. I did it for a year full time, & then I did it for a few more years working part time. And I pushed to go to work --- because I was at home, bored & unchallenged. And I was sure it was because of the career I was choosing --- motherhood. What I didn't realize until my 30's was that it was my fault that I was bored & unchallenged. I could have done so much more with that time I had with my daughter. Alessandra was truly amazing. And the time we spent together, I will never forget -- in fact, I long for it. I truly do.

Now that I long for that time I have Anahi, my second child, who is only now 3 months old. And the option has dwindled --- in so many ways it has dwindled.

Be careful --- be who you want to be, not who you think you are suppose to be. We fought for liberation, but we have just imprioned ourselves as women.